08 Jul Christian’s Story
From ages 5 until I left home at 18 I suffered physical, emotional and mental abuse from my stepfather. I was a prime candidate to be violated at the age of 9. I remember going away with my grandmother for the summer to East Texas. I hated it as it was in the country and there was none of the nice things from home. Over this summer a relative took particular interest into me always hugging me and groping me. The night before I was to leave for home, I was awaken to someone pulling my clothes off and sucking on areas of my body. Me being the mini-artistic child, I always had pens and notebooks near me. I used them to beat him off of me before he could fully enter. He became scared that I would scream so he fled. Upon waking and trying to understand what had happened to me I noticed he left me a 20.00 bill as though I was so prostitute.
I grew up in a very angry and abusive home which bolstered the suffering I encountered in life. I was a mute in my mind as no one heard the voice that screamed inside.
I grew up in a black home and never received any support or therapy. I didn’t tell my mother until I was 15. Once I told her at age 15 she told me I didn’t know what I was talking about and dismissed it. I told her again once I was 17 and she stated she didn’t want to accept it. The years after my sexual assault I met a much older man who played me like a fiddle and raped me repeatedly over a course of an evening. I felt I deserved it for years as I let him into my room. After this I began to sell myself for a short time as I grew up poor and felt since the one thing I wanted to give to a husband was gone I might as well make a profit.
Looking at my life now I have no real relationships with men at all even though I desire to have a family. I am often disgusted by men and am extremely prudish. When I have engaged in sexual activities as an adult I often times am out of body/mind as I don’t see it as anything other than a male’s amusement.
My self-esteem and worth are often something I grapple with at the age of 30. I often beat myself up due to my weight or the fact I can’t get a nice man to date or that I’m not where I want to be in my career or make a lot of money. I worked so hard throughout my life in order to earn my self-worth yet I haven’t gotten there.
I have overcome abuse, depression and growing up with drug addicted poverty stricken home. I had to endure many rounds with therapist especially after trying to take my own life 5 years ago. On the outside looking in I don’t have any of the normal issues such as drug/alcohol issues or unable to function. I have my degree, about to start my Masters and will continue to obtain my Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I have a decent job and have been able to become friends with great people.
If you are someone who has been affected by the plight of sexual assault at any time in your life no matter how large or small, I want you to know the following:
1. You didn’t deserve it- people who do these things are projecting ill thoughts upon you. You weren’t weak nor were you asking for it.
2. You deserve to live a life full- Get therapy, speak out if you feel like you are drowning.
3. You are loved and not damaged- For many years I walked around as though I belonged in a junk yard. You are a gift to the world. Don’t allow a sick SOB take that away.